Disgraceful Parenting

I disgraced myself last week…

I won’t tell you exactly what I did (let’s just say it involved not being present enough to prevent myself over-indulging, and then having to suffer the spectacular consequences of this) because the point is, that whatever I did, it lead to me temporarily losing respect for myself.

And the fact that this word - disgrace - came to mind when writing this, is another point (it means to be the source of shame, embarassment or loss of respect).

Because it brought up long-forgotten memories of how I was labelled this way as child by my father, for doing whatever I’d done that he thought I shouldn’t have done.

Despite the religious connotations of ‘grace’, we were not a religious family, and yet I often found myself ‘in disgrace’ - a statement that served as a constant reminder as to why I was being ignored, why I wasn’t allowed to do something fun or why I had to endure some kind of punishment, such as spanking or the confiscation of something precious.

It was an open-ended state (or at least the end time wasn’t communicated to me - probably as part of the punishment) which made things feel even worse: I didn’t know when this ‘grace’, whatever it was, would return, or how to earn it back other than pretend that I was as equally ashamed of myself as he was of me.

And maybe that’s yet another point: that in those days, punishments were about inflicting whatever actions would elicit a ‘negative’ reaction in a child (remorse, guilt, shame, sadness) - parents simply kept going until that end was achieved, even if it wasn’t genuine.

Fear-based power play at it’s finest.

How times have changed.

And not because things have “just evolved” that way by themselves. But because you and I, mama, have refused to parent in the same way as our parents, and are therefore learning how to do things differently.

That said, I still have a tendency to slip into ‘sermonising mode’ when the kids do something ‘wrong’, and I also vividly remember parenting my eldest as you would a pet: rewarding good behaviour and coming down heavy on what was triggering, inconvenient or non-compliant - I wouldn’t stop underlining my opinion until I had provoked the fearful reaction that I felt proved that I had succeeded in getting this across.

But I now realise where this learnt behaviour came from, and the inherited beliefs that underpinned it: that authority must be maintained through a hierarchical respect for an authority built on fear and coercion.

These days, alongside my clients, I am practising a far more respectful, collaborative approach. Which means:

• no longer jumping to tell my kids off for making a mistake and no longer associating their erroneous behaviour with them being ‘bad’

• understanding that my response to my children’s actions and words is subjective and that any over-reaction has more to do with my triggers than it does the seeming severity of their behaviour

• being aware of their developmental capacity and not only trying to understand the greater emotional, mental and physical context in which their actions or words took place, but also looking for extenuating circumstances that might have led to it

• working towards becoming a strong, stable leader that can respond with an age-appropriate and collaborative take on how everyone’s behaviour might be adapted in future

…and all this within a set - yet flexible - framework of safe boundaries, that are continuously communicated to all concerned.

It’s not easy to do things differently to how you experienced them, particularly if the patterns laid by your past are still unconsious.

But it’s the little reminders (like the word ‘disgrace’ for me) that can serve as super useful pointers as to why you are the way that you are, and which inherited behaviours are no longer in alignment with who you want to be.

The irony of all this, is that I disgraced myself by enacting yet another learnt behaviour - what my father did, every, single night of the year - abuse a substance that had a million and one uses: to celebrate, comiserate, numb out, feel your feelings, wind down, reboot and connect with others. It was the crux he relied upon in order to show up as he did.

But the great thing is that this episode also highlighted what a different person I am now, despite the lingering patterns: I may have lost respect for myself, but only fleetingly.

Because I now love myself enough that my ‘disgraceful’ actions didn’t lead to endless spiralling into guilt and shame (as they once used to), and I was able to move on pretty quickly from what I can now view as a simple mistake - getting so carried away by the fun and joy of the situation that I forgot just how toxic some substances can be.

I’m not yet there with my parenting ‘mistakes’ - these still linger for a while as I go over what I should or could have done better - but very nearly.

Which, I hope gives you hope, mama.

Because if I can go from wanting to take my own life because of the toxic influence I felt I was having over my children just through existing, to accepting my mistakes as part of being a vulnerable human being and being able to let them go, then you can too.

And it all starts with a brave look at how you were brought up, the impact this had on you, consciously releasing the old, stuck feelings that are still in your body as a result of this, and with the freedom that this brings, trying something different.

I should never have been made to feel ‘in disgrace’. Mistakes are simply a part of learning and growth, however stupid.

But knowing what it feels like to be the object of shame, and knowing how it feels to have inflicted this pain on another, has given me the fuel to commit to an alternative approach.

I don’t always manage it. But I’m trying.

And that’s the bit your kids pick up on, mama - your desire to be on the same team as them, on the same page, learning together to make the best of the symbiotic dynamic that is parenting.

And rest assured, when the time comes, they’ll be course-correcting in their own way with their kids…