Feeling Safe Enough To Age Gracefully

So I still don't have a white hair on my head, but I do now have to wear glasses to see small print. ⁠

⁠(My arm simply isn't long enough to hold this as far away from me as I would require in order to read it.)⁠

⁠Do I care about ageing and how it affects my appearance? Yes and no. ⁠

⁠It all relates to the complex 'rules' in my head unconsciously inherited from both my glamorous but vain mother who changed outfits several times a day, had a royal boyfriend and did some print modelling, and a father who was obsessed with getting us to judge his (and our) relative fatness. ⁠

⁠In short, I was brought up to always "rise to the occasion" - in the way I look, eat, talk, carry myself and behave, regardless of either whether this was actually physically possible or whether this meant overriding my feelings, body shape, capacity or energy levels.

⁠I was taught I must be smart, happy, enthusiastic and interested in others, at all times, and must never express vulnerability, fear, act, speak, eat or hold myself like a 'slob', in order to do my parents 'proud'. ⁠

⁠⁠This led to immense acts of bravery (from a pretty young age), but also equally immense betrayals of my needs - in order to 'perform', 'be strong' or 'show up' for others, even when in chronic pain, feeling fear or disgust, or too freshly post-partum to be fully aware. ⁠

⁠the wound behind this has always been the same: a fear of saying no because this could lead to (further) rejection. ⁠

⁠I am super aware of passing on this trauma through my continued insistance with the kids on table manners, good 'posture', on looking 'smart' ⁠at social gatherings, on being polite...⁠

⁠But the fact that I'm failing dismally at enforcing any of these - whilst highly annoying to me - also makes me happy: they are cycle-breakers who feel safe enough to be authentic.

⁠⁠The upshot of all this is, I do wear my new glasses, but for now, only in private. Because they don't yet fit into any of my perceived public versions of myself.

Sharing this photo is the next step in making that happen : )