4 Reasons You You Are A 'Martyr Mama'
You may not want to be a ‘martyr mother’.
But there is more than one reason why you might occasionally (or always) fall back into this dynamic. And they may all have their root in your childhood:
It feels safer to ‘give up’ than to fight
If you experienced a strict upbringing - in which non-compliance was treated with either physical or emotional punishment - then it makes sense that you might be conflict-avoidant. So whomever you perceive as the source of potential conflict (your screaming toddler, your defiant tween, your bolshy teenager or your stressed husband), you will be taken back to this state of childhood fear and anticipation until these old, unprocessed memories are integrated and healed.
It feels morally superior to be a martyr than to ask for your needs to be met
The archetypal mother is forever and unconditionally patient, nurturing, tolerant and loving. And as long as the patriarchy continues to promote this lofty ideal as one to which all mothers should aspire (whilst also denigrating women who stand up for themselves as aggressive or negative complainers and nags), the idea of ‘suffering’ or making ‘sacrifices’ in order to attain this seemingly morally superior state can seem preferable to voicing your needs. And so instead of speaking out, you put up and shut up.
It feels familiar and therefore ‘comfortable’ to feel invisible and unimportant
If you grew up in a household where you unconsciously learnt that your needs, emotions and opinions were not as valid as those of your parents (through being given the impression that yours were inconvenient, unwelcome, unacceptable or wrong), then you may have created self-limiting beliefs about yourself such as ‘my needs are unimportant’ or ‘I am invisible’. Until you reframe these through inner child work, this state of mind will - on one level - feel familiar. It is your comfort zone (however uncomfortable) and therefore preferable to speaking out about what you need (which will feel relatively unfamiliar and therefore scary).
You know no different - it’s what was role modelled to you
It can be hard to pioneer different ways of being in the world, especially if you were never given any examples of the way that you want to be. And so you may find yourself taking on the ‘martyr’ role without even thinking - especially when you are triggered, overwhelmed, tired or hungry and your decision-making facilities are compromised - you are simply falling back on (more unconscious) learnt behaviour.
The good news is, this martyr pattern can be overcome! And it all starts with your inner child.
By reparenting her, and therefore giving her the love, validation and attention - from within - that she needed as a child but didn’t get, she no longer needs to avoid certain behaviours because they feel unsafe, to try to reach an impossible archetype in order to avoid criticism, or to feel scared of doing things that are new or outside of her comfort zone.
Because when your inner child feels safe and takes a back seat in your life, there is room for adult you to step forwards and take the driving seat.
And adult you is free, unapologetically authentic and loves to honour her needs as well as ask that others honour them too!