How Parenting Overwhelm Can Be Linked To Childhood 'Trauma'
Last month I became a fur mama. And in addition to my three exuberant, boisterous kids, we now have a fourth, equally exuberant and boisterous fluff ball called Cosmo. Except this one has four legs and likes to take out her excitement on the little feet, hands and upholstery of our home.
Thankfully our landlady is the world’s biggest dog lover and has her own Border Collie so I’m not too worried about the furniture - plus it’s our first session with the local dog whisperer tomorrow to nip that particular habit in the bud (pun intended).
What did worry me however, was just how badly the experience of welcoming a new member into the family threw me off centre.
I knew it might.
Which is why I had been putting off getting any kind of pet for years - it never quite felt like I had the bandwidth to cope - but what I hadn’t anticipated was just how groundhog day it all felt.
The responsibilities of looking after yet another small, relatively helpless animal took me straight back to the dark, early days of feeling like I couldn’t cope with my own, very small, relatively helpless humans.
And instead of taking it all in my stride - having done this kind of thing (no less than three times) before - it not only raked up all of the old trauma associated with others needing something from me. And how debilitating and ovewhelming it used to feel to have my preciously fought-for boundaries overturned.
Until I had realised what was happening, the dog was the catalyst that took me back to the person that I was then: constantly nagging, seeing fault in everyone and everything, seeking to control all of the little, practical things in my life in order to try to feel more in control of my feelings.
It’s not a side of me that I like; I don’t enjoy being her and she’s not nice to be around. She’s constantly anxious, short-tempered and not present.
But what was different this time round was my compassion for her. Because I know where the root cause of the emotional panic lies. And that’s in my own childhood ‘trauma’.
We all carry the energy of our little children, regardless of our actual age. And unlike our adult, ‘whole woman’ selves, who take everything in their confident and capable, feminine strides, it is our child selves who are running the show when we feel overwhelmed, panicky and scared.
Triggers in our present, everyday lives can stir up old, unprocessed feelings from the past, prompting us to act like that child once more. And only when we integrate these experiences - either by releasing the stuck emotions or by providing our inner children with the love and attention they needed but didn’t receive - do they feel soothed and loved enough so that our adult selves can regain control.
Seemingly trivial matters from our daily life can stir up very serious feelings based on our inner child’s perspective of the world, and how safe or unsafe they feel.
The 10 week old dog therefore stirred up my own, old childhood experiences, and the limiting beliefs I had forged as a result:
that there was no space for me or my needs because others’ were more important and always took precedent
that getting anything less than perfectly right (in this instance, the training of the dog), meant that I had failed and was therefore unloveable
Core beliefs can seem ridiculous on the face of it because they are completely illogical and not based on fact. But we have a duty not to dismiss them. Because if we do, they will control us unconsciously.
I have spent decades of my life exploring my inner world in order to manage my emotional triggers at their root cause. But that doesn’t mean I’m fully fixed. Because spiritual growth is a life time’s work and healing our wounds isn’t a linear process, it’s a spiral.
Every turn of the wheel takes you one level deeper with the same core belief, smoothing out emotional volatility and building on your resilience but our psyches will always seek to grow even further, and daily triggers are the pointers that take us to our inner gold.
So next time you feel overwhelmed, mamas, take it seriously. And ask yourself, is it adult ‘whole woman’ you reacting to the situation, or is ‘little’ you reliving a traumatic childhood experience?
If it’s little you, then it’s time to revisit the past, integrate it and heal it. (Again).