I Cancelled My Wedding

We were supposed to get married next weekend.

But we’re not. Because I cancelled it.

Luckily, the feeling was mutual (although it’s interesting how many people assumed it wasn’t).

Perhaps we all slightly believe the cliché that women want nothing more than to ‘get hitched’, and that men - with their ‘commitment issues’ - want nothing less.

It is indeed true that it was me pushing for us to ritualise the success of our 16-year union, and that my partner was the one to see all of the reasons why this was unnecessary.

But whilst I managed to persuade him that what we have been through and nonetheless created (despite our many ups and downs), was worth validating, neither of us needed much persuading to see that the execution of the event wasn’t going to be quite as easy.

Why? Because we live in Spain.

And even though I might already share a quarter of my genetic blueprint with the people of this wonderful country and have been, over the past 5 years, thoroughly doused in (and as a result, have had to adapt to) their cultural redefinition of what it is to surrender and be ‘care-free’, I originate from altogether different cultural stock: that of the Anglo Saxon prioritise-work-until-you-burn-out, and be-efficient-to-the-exclusion-of-any-semblance-of-balance way of life.

So, knowing where we live, that it took my partner 12.5 years to propose and a further 4 years for me to do anything about it, I figured we might need support to get things off the ground and reduce stress whilst doing so.

The solution? I hired a wedding planner.

Although, unfortunately this didn’t actually solve anything. And actually, made things a whole lot worse.

Because we soon (mutually) realised that our very distinct interpretations of ‘planning’ were pretty divergent.

To the point that the planners actually became the main source of all of our stress, because they weren’t even remotely on my time line (in fact, I’m not sure they can work to any kind of time line here - they just seem to assume that everything will fall into place at the right time).

Don’t get me wrong - this is a fabulous trait to have: it allows space for whatever the universe is going to bring forth, to be manifested; it means no unnecessary adrenaline pumping round your body; it means trusting people and being open to surprises along the way; it means self-belief.

And to be fair, things probably do fall into place for them at the right time. But I wasn’t prepared to take this risk.

Because my go-to is control of every eventuality possible; a well-documented, accessible paper trail; and doing everything way more in advance than is necessary, in order to leave as much time towards the run up of the event for relaxing.

In other words, I like to front-load my panic.

Here, however, I was being blocked.

This of course lead to mounting frustration and feelings of powerlessness which felt so totally opposed to the feelings which had initiated the entire process that we felt compelled to call the whole thing off.

It was not an easy decision to make at the time but we knew that it was the right one, because once made, instead of sadness, we felt only immense relief and the rekindling of a joy in the relationship that had all but been extinguished due to stress .

Which is why I’m sharing this with you now…

The moral of the story is, there is no need to second guess yourself if something doesn’t feel right, regardless of whether you understand it or not or can justify it or not, and regardless of how you fear your decision may be interpreted by others.

You - and only you - are in charge of what you focus your energy on, how you feel, and what your life looks like. The end.

I still haven’t let go of my desire for our union (and the kids that resulted from it) to be validated - in other words, for my inner child to be given a ‘gold star’ for the hard work and commitment she feels she put into achieving this.

But I have got better at giving her that recognition myself.

Because - just like self-care - celebrations don’t just have to occur yearly and With fanfare.

They can also take place monthly, weekly, daily and even hourly - if you can become still enough to acknowledge and meet your needs in that moment.

They can be purely individual - the recognition of: your traits in your kids, finishing of each other’s sentences, the slow but sure reliance on each other’s presence and stability, the softening of the triggers and the knowing how to work around, and complement, each other’s flaws.

Or they can be relational - a shared joy in the small gestures (the connected gaze, the touch of hands) or authentic words of love, spoken in appreciation and gratitude.

In the end, it’s not the big, fancy parties that have kept our relationship alive so far, but the daily micro-dosing of these little gestures and the reliance on what ‘feels’ good inside to guide our actions.

So, I say we might as well continue to rely on them - until I can find the perfect, control-freak of a wedding planner, that is : )

(To listen to our new podcast episode on commitment - how women often need it and men often fear it - check out “Why Most Relationships Fail” or find support for you and your partner with our Relationship Recovery sessions)