Is Your ‘Guidance’ Stifling Your Children?
The other day, a teacher from my children’s school dismissed my enquiry about the range of subjects that was currently available for one of them to choose from (at a key stage in their education, no less), with the reply that the next couple of years was just a “stepping stone” for the following (final) stage of schooling, and that choices made even at that late stage - ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ - would still not create a barrier to getting onto a preferred university course, as long as grades were good.
The reason I felt so triggered by this - quite apart from rejecting firstly, the fact that children or adolescents be reduced to merely adults-in-the-making; secondly, that the joy of learning - at any stage - be reduced to merely a means of getting into university or a job; and thirdly, that the end goal in life results from good grades, was because…
for most of my childhood, I felt as though I was being ‘groomed’ into being more manageable - into the perfect mini-adult who would pose minimal upheaval or inconvenience to my PaRENTS.
From a young age I was taught how to 'rise to the occasion’ (meaning: push down your feelings), how to engage and be ‘charming’ (meaning: always smile, look people in the eye, answer all questions, do as I was told and say the right thing), and how to see things from other people’s points of view (meaning: prioritise others’ needs over my own).
I thus feel disproportionately protective (and defensive) at the merest hint that my children may be experiencing the same thing.
But whilst the example of my their school’s approach above is more starkly obvious in its misguided appraisal of what education is for - a means to a dubious end rather than a delight in itself - there are also more subtle but just as insidious ways in which we parents may take the same approach towards our children, but in more superficially well-meaning ways.
For example:
encouraging them to react in certain ways in order to support them to be ‘strong’ or resilient - such as learning to ‘ignore’ a bully, or not retaliate with violence (even if violence was instigated against them)
instilling ‘correct’ table manners or ‘polite’ behaviour, such as never failing to say hello, goodbye, please and thank you
telling them to be mindful of others’ (physical) personal space or (emotional) personal boundaries, such as avoiding topics or direct questions that might make others feel uncomfortable
whilst these skills might create a child that is less likely to create social discomfort or conflict and more likely to be accepted, at what cost to their blossoming authenticity and self-confidence?
The majority of the mamas I work with are acutely critical of themselves, indecisive and not sure of their feelings or choices. They second-guess their decisions in the past (leading to regret) as well as their decisions in the present (leading to anxiety).
Much of this can be boiled down to parents who did not make them feel believed in, who didn’t unconditionally accept them for who they were and who instead, encouraged and perhaps also rewarded behaviour that made them more compliant as children, easier to manage, less of a challenge and MORE LIKE THEIR PARENTS.
So, whether your intentions are good or not - to make your children into more ‘successful’ adults, to protect them from potential pain and rejection, or to encourage versions of themselves that are more socially acceptable and therefore more ‘likeable’ - it is important to acknowledge that this may also be indirectly telling them that their authentic, non-censored self is not as successful, acceptable or likeable in comparison, and may result in more pain and rejection (starting with your own).
What you want, is not for your children to feel like they have to put on a mask in order to get on in life - hiding their true selves out of fear - but to embrace their unique mix of inconvenient and loveable, challenging and charming traits with confidence, whatever reaction this might provoke in others.
In short, you don’t want them to feel like they are in training for university or a job or whatever ‘real life’ means to you, but living their real lives right NOW.
(art: Christian Schloe)