Stop TRYING So Hard To Be Fun!
I spent many years worrying that I wasn’t fun.
This didn’t occur to me as a child, nor adolescent, nor young adult. Only once I became a first-time parent.
I was ok during the baby stage - shaking a rattle, passing a toy to-and-fro, pointing out colours and images - but that was only because it felt less like playing and more like I was fulfilling my parental duty to ‘stimulate’ and ‘educate’ my baby.
(And even then, it still felt mind numbing after a couple of minutes).
It was when I had a toddler that was old enough to ‘play’, that I really started to struggle.
Firstly, because I couldn’t stop comparing myself negatively to my partner - he seemed much better at it than I: fun seemed to come to him more naturally, it took precedence over chores, he seemed fully present whilst doing it and he seemed like he was actually enjoying it.
None of which I felt were true of me.
Because I often felt awkward (especially doing the same thing for the umpteenth time during a make-believe ‘game’), I would easily get distracted and anxious about how behind I was getting with my to-do list, and I rarely actually enjoyed it.
all of Which lead me to believe that I must therefore be a bad parent - because a truly ‘good’ mama should be able to have fun.
Right?
I carried this stigma for years - avoiding occasions where I might have to be fun, outsourcing play to playgroups and playdates, putting my work ahead of playtime and mostly using the excuse that I was too busy to prioritise it.
Until I realised that there were reasons behind my perceived inability to play and be fun.
And that some of these could be healed:
For years my inner child didn’t feel safe enough to play. Because having fun means being fully connected to and present with someone else - in other words, letting them in fully. And even though that someone else was my child, it sometimes simply felt too vulnerable.
I had no rolemodel from my childhood on how to either prioritise and carve out space for play or have fun at a child’s level. (My father had more of a preacher/educator role and spent most of his time working, and my mother always seemed to be too busy with household chores or too stressed to connect).
Many of my natural skills and abilities run contrary to those of being laid back, easy-going and playful. I’m more of a super-efficient, multi-tasking, methodically organised kind of person. Which is why I prefer, hide-and-seek, puzzles, games, dressing up and arts-and-crafts to rough and tumble or make-believe (most of which, my partner hates). Previously, I was interpreting the way that my partner was having fun as the only way to have fun (cue ‘I’m broken’ wound). When actually, fun is subjective and can be experienced in many different ways. And I don’t need to be good at all ways!
Once I had reconciled myself with these reasons, I realised further truths. That:
Just because my child wants to play at something, that doesn’t mean I have to do so too. They can either play that particular game on their own, with someone other than me or I can play something else with them (that I feel more comfortable doing) instead. In other words, my preferences are just as valid as theirs.
I am not in competition with my partner (or anyone else) as to who is the most fun person. There is no prize for being the best. And there is no objective yardstick to compare us by.
There is no point me ‘trying’ too hard to be fun because having fun is very often something that happens spontaneously, and therefore the very act of ‘trying’ to be fun is antithetical to what I want to achieve.
When I make the effort to do something new and out of my comfort zone, it often does turn out to be fun!
That having fun doesn’t always have to be something that is deliberately directed at one other person - it can be an unplanned and nonchalant comment, impression, song, silly voice, dance or funny face that happens to occur in the presence of your kids (and comes naturally to you), and your kids might just find it hilarious!
These insights helped me to see that I am fun after all.
Perhaps not to everyone’s taste and not at all times - but I’m happy with who I am and I no longer judge myself agAINST others.
So, take inspiration from me, mama, and stop trying to be fun.
Trust that you already are - you just haven’t realised it yet (or found your audience)!