The ‘Mama That Is Not-Fit-For-Purpose’ Wound
Like any other mama, I have good and bad days.
But in the past, my criteria for a 'bad' day was almost impossible to avoid. It would be one during which:
either I had not lived up to my expectations of being the perfect parent (unconditionally nurturing, patient, tolerant and kind).
or I had not spent enough quality time with each of my three children (or dog) - being present, attentive and interested.
or the kids had not lived up to my expectations of being the perfect sibling (unconditionally nurturing, patient, tolerant and kind).
This pretty much meant that most days were categorised as 'bad'. Which was the kind of fuel that my inner critic loved.
It also fed beautifully into my childhood self-limiting belief that I was not enough - I was now a mama that was not fit for purpose.
I was aware of my impossible-to-reach standards for years. I blamed them on being a perfectionist Virgo.
But it wasn’t until I realised that these patterns were also due to a deeper wound of feeling overly responsible for everyone always being happy and everything always running smoothly that I was able to shift them.
I saw that my inner child felt this in order to create the harmony she needed to feel safe.
Which is why, I had adopted the role of family 'therapist' - the one who made things better, who had the power to transform what was 'negative' into positive.
Now that I understand this dynamic more clearly (and can give my inner child the love, validation and attention that she originally sought from others myself) I am learning to detach from what happens around me.
To see that some things aren't in my control, and therefore aren't my 'fault' when they go 'wrong'.
As well as to see that my definition of 'wrong' was erroneously linked to how safe I felt.
I still sometimes (unfairly) categorise some days as 'bad', today.
But when I notice this happening:
I try to recalibrate my definition of the perfect parent. And see ‘perfection’ not only as the things that I am not, but also the traits and skills that come more naturally to me.
I remember that it is my inner child who is the one who thinks she needs perfection in order to feel safe.
And I remind myself that my kids have their own sibling dynamic and that I can trust that they are working things out their own way as I try to rolemodel another.
This is my inner work. THIS is the most important parenting I can do.
And this is - ultimately - what makes every day into a potentially 'good' one.