When Imperfectly (Conscious) Parenting Is Enough

There is a big difference between being a conscious parent and a perfect parent.

The most important being that the first is actually possible (through self-awareness and inner work), whereas the second doesn’t exist.

And yet so many of us continue to strive for the latter. Perhaps because we feel that the closer to perfect we are, the better off our children will be.

But sometimes our children benefit the most from our imperfection. Even if this is unconscious.

Let me give you an example.

Last October my eldest daughter planned her special, hitting-the-teenage-years birthday party.

She was going to have a pizza and popcorn, movie-night sleep-over with a few of her closest friends.

(At least, she thought they were close.)

Because on the day of the party, it turned out that perhaps they weren’t, when they announced - via text - that something better had come up.

As she read it out loud to me in the car on the way to school, I immediately exploded into anger and outrage, reeling off a list of reasons (and expletives) as to why their behaviour was not ok.

My daughter didn’t say a word - I took up the entire two minutes available before drop-off with my own rant.

I had been taken over by my go-to trauma response: fight.

So, as I drove back home I reflected (shamefully) on how unconscious a parent I had been.

Instead of co-regulating my daughter’s reaction, lovingly (and calmly) holding space for whatever emerged, and then validating her feelings with soothing words and a strong, safe and grounded presence, I had bulldozed the time available with my own (far from conscious) over-reaction.

a sequence of events I was very familiar with from my own traumatic childhood. And not something I had intended to repeat.

And yet here I was, parenting like my parents - ‘nul points’ for me.

The only conscious part of this experience was putting in the repair: both to her - apologising and vowing to do better next time, as well as to myself - deciding not to spiral into regret and shame.

Why am I telling you this?

Because there’s a twist in the plot.

Three months after she was so badly let down by her so-called friends and me - or so I thought - she revealed that my actions had had an unexpected and beneficial effect on her, after all.

She expressed that she hadn’t been that bothered by her friends’ behaviour in the first place (teenagers?!), and that the spontaneity of my reaction and the intensity of my anger had demonstrated just how important her happiness was to me.

She said how grateful she was to have a mother that cared so deeply about her feelings.

I was pretty gobsmacked, to be honest. But also delighted.

Because her (delayed) reaction showed me how it’s not always about trying to be the perfect parent.

And it’s not always about failing at being a conscious parent.

Sometimes, just being your imperfectly (conscious) self is more than enough.

In fact, it could be exactly what your kids need.