Why Self-Care Doesn't Always Come Naturally

Self-care is big business these days. In fact, it’s a concept that is so bandied around that it’s almost become a cliche.

But what if - despite its ubiquity - you are still confused about exactly what it is and how best to do it?

And what if this isn’t your fault?

The thing is, self-care isn’t innate.It’s a skill that has to be learnt - not only through what is role modelled to you but also through what is done to and for you. ⁠⁠

And - in an ideal world - learning how to self-care should have started as soon as you were born: as a baby, you should have been soothed when you were upset, changed when you were wet, fed when you were hungry or eased to sleep when you were tired. ⁠⁠

It should then have continued as your emotional needs developed and you became first a toddler and then a small child: your emotions should have been mirrored back to you, you should have received nurture in response to seeking attention and love, and you should have received protection as you sought safety from the outside world. ⁠⁠

This is called co-regulation.

But we didn’t all grow up in ideal worlds.

And if your parents were too busy, stressed or focused on their own trauma to properly attune to you - then you will not only have missed out on learning how to manage and process your big feelings, but you may also never have learnt how to fully acknowledge your needs (both physical and emotional).⁠⁠

So if you frequently find yourself overwhelmed by anger, grief, irritation, shame, resentment, guilt, depression or general brokeness, cut yourself some slack. You simply weren't shown how to manage these as a child. ⁠⁠

Likewise, it is not your fault if you find it hard to acknowledge your needs - you may never have learnt that these were acceptable or welcome.

The great news is, you can change all this.

You can learn - as an adult - how to hear what your body is trying to tell you, how to welcome and then self-regulate your emotions, and how to not only honour your needs but ask that others respect them too.

But first, you need to acknowledge that there was a considerable gap between what you needed and what you got as a child. ⁠⁠

This isn’t about blaming your parents, it is about validating YOUR experience and healing the self-limiting beliefs this led you to create.

And from here, you can start to fill this void by reparenting your inner child.

This is how you can slowly become the calm, grounded, patient and tolerant mama and partner that you deserve to be.

⁠⁠One who not only practises self-care but who also role-models it beautifully to her family.