Why Some Beliefs Are Hard To Shake

‘Heroin chic’ was a thing when I was growing up. As were the waif-like models that spawned the trend.

Rejecting the Amazonian goddesses that previously trotted up and down the catwalks, Kate Moss was who we all wanted to be.

Not quite tall enough to be a ‘proper’ model - from the ordinary suburbs of London, spotted in an ordinary place, this ordinary school girl - just like us - was swiftly airlifted to cultural icon status not only by an industry hungry for human coat hangers, but also by fellow adolescents with similarly wonky teeth who believed her success meant that they too might get an equally fantastical break out of nowhere into an exotic, otherworld.

She - and the models just like her - plastered our walls and peppered my thoughts: seemingly free, adored by everyone, rich and living the exciting life that was the reward for mastering what entered your mouth; their catchphrases became our mantras: “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” and “there’s no such thing as too skinny”.

So why am I reminiscing about 90s, size-zero glamour and what on earth does it have to do with my usual healing zone?

Well, just about everything, actually.

Because concepts that are presented to you at exactly the time that you are at your most susceptible, stick.

Regardless of whether they make sense, are true or are actually liveable by.

Which is why, despite now, as an adult, being bombarded by plus-size and diversely-shaped models across every marketing touchpoint, as well as by the enhanced buttocks and so-called ‘thick’ thighs that my two daughters admire and covet…

…and despite knowing very well that what was fashionable back when I was an adolescent, in fact represents an unhealthy weight for most of the population, part of me still craves a visible thigh gap, protruding hip bones and pencil arms.

So when my girls tell me that I’m so lucky to have the ‘big bum’ that fits their current physical aspirations, my teenage self bristles at what was in fact intended as a compliment.

Because, in effect, I have been brainwashed.

And the beliefs I created about myself when I first became conscious about my size, appearance and shape, are those that I partly still carry with me, despite their ludicrousness.

The same is true of the non-physical self-limiting beliefs that we inherit from our primary caregivers when our brains are developing.

So if, when growing up, you were made to feel (directly or indirectly) that how you naturally show up (emotionally, mentally and spiritually) wasn’t acceptable - too timid, dramatic, sensitive, loud, difficult, bossy, disorganised, selfish, clumsy or messy, for example - then you will have learnt that it was not ok to reveal your authentic self.

Perhaps when you exhibited this behaviour, you were either told off, dismissed, second-guessed, ignored, isolated or punished, so that, as a result, you began to gravitate more towards the behaviour that led to receiving love, connection or praise instead.

And by receiving this message over and over again (the equivalent to my ‘skinny is good/glamorous/successful/sexy’) - perhaps by people outside the home too - then the belief that you being you was not ok, and you being more of who your parents wanted you to be was, would have become more and more hard-wired into your brain.

(Regardless of how untrue and subjective that belief actually was.)

This means that EVEN NOW, as an adult, when you might be surrounded by people that tell you how much they love and appreciate whichever trait was previously criticised and judged by your parents, and how that trait is precisely what makes you unique and brings so much to others (the equivalent of the plethora of big and curvy behinds currently surrounding me), you still might not be able to truly receive these comments.

They’ll bounce off the sides of the armouring you created as a result of being rejected for who you were when it mattered the most.

Don’t worry though, there is hope - your self-limiting beliefs (physical and non-physical) aren’t here forever.

You can melt that armour and you can change the way that you feel about yourself and how you ‘should’ be, and you can bring your self-regard more in line with your already much lower expectations and increased acceptance of others.

(Because I bet you don’t hold other people to the same high standards that you demand of yourself).

And that is by going back to the experiences that FIRST moulded these beliefs, and consciously FEELING the emotions that got stuck in your body at the time.

By feeling these, you release them - once and for all - along with the potential trauma that accompanied them. Then you no longer have to cling on to what has perhaps defined, as well as limited, your sense of self for so long…

As a result of doing exactly this, I now no longer see myself as the ‘difficult’, ‘bossy’, ‘tactless’, ‘cold’, ‘clumsy’ person that I was labelled as by my parents, growing up. I know that this was a purely subjective view of me that said more about them than it ever did about me.

I won’t lie - part of me would still like to be a human coathanger with a visible thigh gap, protruding hip bones and pencil arms.

But I can now clearly see that this fantasy also originated outside of me - it is no longer rooted in me not being enough as I am, and I no longer feel I need to change my life, body and habits in order to achieve it.

I see it as the misguided pipe dream of a deluded teenager that it always was - a needy adolescent hoodwinked by beautiful magazine spreads into believing that looks equated to excitement, happiness and glamour.

How wrong she was…