I Had A Strong Wish To Follow A Gentle Parenting Approach

When we first connected, I had been trying for several years to cope with being increasingly triggered by my (then) two year old daughter.

I had a strong wish to follow a conscious/gentle parenting approach, but in the heat of the moment I would always find myself saying and doing things (that I started to realise were probably things that were said and done to me), that weren’t what I wanted to be doing or role modelling to my daughter.  

This gap between what I was trying so hard to learn and follow and the reality of what I was putting into practice was making me feel like a failure, and I was getting more and more unhappy and frustrated.

Plus there was an undercurrent of things I that "knew" in my head but wasn’t able to shift (people pleasing, perfectionism, low self-esteem, getting distressed by criticism and struggling with anxiety).  

I had never worked with a coach before (only a counsellor) so I didn't really know what to expect. With hindsight, the coaching structure and clear actions and goals felt really different. 

Before our first session I felt sad, frustrated, disappointed in myself, angry (at the situation) and fairly hopeless. After it, I felt encouraged, positive and hopefull - a little apprehensive about the boxes that I would be opening up, but excited about the goals we had set and supported on a journey towards them. 

I feel like Lavinia – always showing kindness, support and great wisdom throughout - opened a door in my life. First, she gently showed it to me, then she helped me to start to open it and finally, I was able to walk through.  

It now feels like I'm in a new room with new knowledge and context about everything that is going on - my relationships with myself, my daughters and my partner - and I'm starting to walk tentatively down a path of opening up my awareness to all the things that previously have been subconsciously informing my responses and behaviours.  

It feels like the start of a long journey but one that I'm so deeply grateful to be able to start now rather than later. I think she gently assessed what I was able to absorb and start to think about, and introduced new ideas and suggestions to me at just the right time.  

There is still a lot of stuff to process and I'm at peace with the fact that this is a lifetime journey. But acceptance and love for myself which I can then model to my daughters, means I can be more authentic and open hearted as a parent and good parenting is the most powerful and important goal of my life. 

I surprised myself the most during the series in the way that I was able to change my perspective on being a woman. I was on the contraceptive pill for about 3 decades and it never crossed my mind that this was something that could be limiting my sense of self and my ability to feel into being authentically whole.  

But going through the broader process of understanding the impact of my early childhood on me and becoming more open to my inner child and to her emotional needs as a result, somehow meant that I was no longer afraid of embracing this other aspect of myself and was able to listen to Lavinia as she started to suggest this might be something to explore. I am now almost evangelical about speaking to girlfriends about understanding the power of your cycle! 

My biggest learning during the coaching series, was that the child I used to be was still so alive in me today, still hurting and needing to be heard and reassured, and that she was taking control of my actions in the here and now!

I realized that whilst I had talked endlessly about my formative experiences before, this had never made any difference to how I handled challenging situations in my adult life. This work was different.  

It's an ongoing process and I'm far from fully healed. And I'm just currently accepting that perhaps I will never be able to do enough work now (heading into my forties) to fully remove the impacts of those early years. But I'm trying to give myself grace and love throughout, and to know that just as my inner child did her best, so too am I doing my best to show up for myself and my family with the combination of tools I was given as a child and those I am choosing now. 

The coaching series has a high price tag and therefore might be out of reach for many. But for me, I honestly cannot imagine anything that could be more valuable. Knowing the changes that the coaching series wrought in my life and the things it opened up, I can't imagine anything else that could be more valuable!

~ Annie Roberts, chief of staff to professional services leader & mama, UK