Managing Toxic Family Dynamics
Navigating toxic family dynamics can feel like walking on a tight rope: you are caught between the potential guilt and shame of ‘abandoning’ your duty towards those who brought you up and the suffering that accompanies their continued rejection of your true self.
Choosing to prioritise your own emotional wellbeing over that of members of your birth family can be one of the biggest decisions that you will ever make.
It symbolises the laying down of boundaries that may have been gestating patiently on the sidelines for decades.
And it represents a powerful reclaiming of your agency, your sovereignty, your ability to manage and create a life that follows your rules, your values and beliefs about the world, and your place in it.
But letting go of old, inherited binds that have unconsciously kept you small or inauthentic is a long process. And it can be hugely hampered by the fear of your inner child - the part of you that is terrified of losing everything (the small amount of comfort that you are getting) and terrified of the consequences of her ‘bad’ behaviour.
It is a process that doesn't end once you have decided to limit or cut ties altogether with those who are more interested in the upkeep of the status quo than in your desire to be yourself.
Because humans are relational and dynamics are fuelled by the energy put into them by more than one person. So when one decides to change, it can be deeply challenging for the other.
And the way in which your birth family react to your desire to shift your dynamic to a healthier setting (for you), is not always pretty. Instead, it will show you their wounds. And the coping mechanisms they have adopted in order to keep those safe.
If they choose to heal these - as you have - then the dynamic can flourish on a new and more fulfilling level. But if they choose to ignore their potential for healing, and blame you for their pain instead, you will be forced to weather the storm.
A storm that can feel as toxic or even more toxic than what you chose to leave.
The thing to remember is that YOU MATTER. And that your feelings, opinions and mental health have always mattered, they just haven’t always been respected.
So, if and when you decide that it is time to anchor down into that new self-love and self-belief and choose your mental health over the artifice of ‘making do’, remember that you are sticking up for your inner child who has perhaps never experienced anyone else being fully on her team.
And that you are not only doing this for you and your family, but also doing it for your birth family.
Because toxic dynamics don't actually serve anyone. And by refusing to engage, you are giving them the chance to heal themselves. Just as you have.