When Adolescence Meets Peri-menopause: The Perfect Parenting Storm

I found out recently that oestrogen is also referred to as the hormone of ‘self-sacrifice’ and ‘accommodation’; the more you have of it, the more it helps you to act this way.

The problem is, the timing of the supply of this natural support no longer seems to be in alignment with our capacity to harness it.

Because our desire to pick the best possible partner for our future children, and to be in the best possible place we can be emotionally, mentally, physically, financially and spiritually before we embark upon pregnancy, TAKES TIME.

As does the result of the fact that we are meant to be so emancipated in this world of equal opportunity (but not yet equal pay), that we are also aiming to squeeze in several, successful mini careers before ‘taking a break’ for children.

This means that most of us are only ending up feeling ready(ish) to have children in our mid to late 30s and, more commonly than ever before, early 40s.

Which is exactly when our natural tendency to be self-sacrificing and accommodating decreases - oestrogen supply wanes in the 5 or so years leading up to menopause (which usually occurs around 50) - and the emotional demands of our children surge, as they edge towards the peak of tween and teen hormonal angst.

In other words, the perfect parenting storm.

And because anything to do with menstrual cycles is still relatively taboo, instead of finding comfort in the fact that the raging hormones that plague our daughters are in fact paving the way for their initiation into becoming women, just as our raging hormones are paving the way for our intiation into becoming ‘elders’, we belittle this impact and instead end up blaming ourselves for this emotional mismatch, feeling like we could, and should, be parenting better.

Sound familiar?

There is a solution.

And that is to cast aside the taboo, and to become as familiar as you can with your body (whilst rolemodelling this to your daughters) through cycle awareness - one of the most important tools (alongside inner parenting), that has supported me to feel more compassion for myself.

Becoming familiar with my own ‘normal’ pattern has allowed me to see when this is being disrupted.

Which has given me permission to attribute my weird and wonderful anxieties, tear-fuelled breakdowns and illogical rage tantrums to my hormones (instead of judging them as ‘lapses’ in control, or shaming myself for somehow not being strong or spiritually-awakened enough to temper these volatile outbursts).

Because the fact is, you and me, mama, are 28 different women on 28 different days.

Which means there can be no such thing as a lapse in control or judgement, because there is no overaching ‘you’ - just variations on a theme which are in flux, along with your physical hormones.

Seeing yourself through this lens, and remembering that you are not only part of a monthly cycle but also part of a larger, female, life cycle (from Neopagan ‘maiden’ to ‘mother’ to ‘crone’), is a great way to give context to how you are feeling, and to see your emotions and reactions as just a small part of whichever bigger-picture stage you (and your daughters) might be passing through.

Our hormonal fluctuations - the role they play in our lives and the immense spirtual discipline it takes women to ride the volatile rollercoaster they create - may never get the full recognition from society that we deserve.

But with awareness of this and what is lacking, at least we can start to offer ourselves and our daughters the compassion and acceptance that oestrogen naturally provides, and then gradually takes away…

(To learn how to track your cycle and better prepare yourself for life as a mama (how to support your daughter’s menarche, and yourself as you near peri-menopause and menopause) - check out the Foundational Course: Cycle Connection)