I Couldn't Stand Myself

When I first reached out to Lavinia, I was desperate for help - ever since my older daughter was born, I had been experiencing frustration, anger and despair. And when she turned two, I just wanted to disengage completely because my mother left me at this age. The pain was unbearable so I went to therapy but then a few months later, we moved country and things got really bad.

Home alone with two kids, I was triggered almost every day by them, and sometimes resorted to anger, yelling and spanking. I was having terrible fights with my husband and almost walked away from the marriage. I was swamped with anger, guilt and shame, and was binging and purging a few times a day. I couldn't stand myself.

I knew something had gone very wrong and even though I was practicing yoga, doing online EMDR, speaking to friends and family, going into Nature for walks etc, none of this was helping. I went for a run in the forest one day and I listened to Lavinia and her husband speaking as guests on Janet Lansbury's podcast, and I knew I had to reach out to her.

I wasn't sure if the coaching program was going to work and I was a bit sceptical because there are so many coaches out there but it was my only chance at that point and my gut feeling was to go for it so I signed up.

When we started putting my goals together, it felt like I would never reach them. During the 3rd session, I almost gave up because it was so painful and I didn't know if I could manage to get through. I felt like the walls I had built to protect myself had grown roots that went so deep I couldn't reach them anymore - they were so thick and heavy that I was scared of them crashing down on me while the pain that I had been unable to process was so intense that I could barely breathe.

I felt like my sense of self was being shattered into millions of pieces but Lavinia told me that I would get out the other side of the tunnel if I kept working at it. It was the reassurance that I needed and now after six sessions and six months, I'm so much more at peace with myself because I've learned to take care of my inner child through validation, comfort and accepting myself.

Since coaching, I feel whole and complete - I am more attuned to my needs and longings without being scared of my feelings. I've got perspective now and am aware of the little part of me who is wounded and trying to heal, and when she gets scared from time to time, this is totally okay because I've learned to validate her feelings and soothe her.

I've also learned to validate my daughters' feelings and soothe them, and I feel much calmer around my children and husband because I've got more empathy.

Surprisingly, without this being part of my goal, (because I thought I would never be able to stop), I also no longer binge and purge. Instead, I am now able to sit with my pain, process it and soothe myself.

My biggest learning was how to inner parent. It was very difficult in the beginning because I didn't know what to say to little Shirley (having never been treated with kind words), but now, I feel safe most of the time and I am able to notice when I'm triggered into feel unsafe. I need to remember to use this very simple but effective tool when my inner child is in the driving seat of my life and I also want to teach it to the girls!

~ Sharon King, yoga teacher & mama, Germany