I Was Struggling To Follow Respectful Parenting

When we first connected, I had been trying to follow respectful parenting for a while, but I was struggling. My kids' behaviours triggered me and I just couldn't contain myself - I was angry and reactive.

I had already done therapy for a year and by the end of it I was definitely aware of the source of my difficulties, but I didn't quite know what to do about it. I had also read self-help books by renowned psychologists, followed many podcasts, and had done many workshops, but I was feeling stuck and, honestly, a little hopeless.

I hadn't worked with a coach before and in truth, I didn't want to work with anyone online because I found it less personal (plus my husband works from home so I felt it might be less private). But I was desperate - I wanted something where I knew that in a specific number of weeks I would see results or a change of some sort, and so I went for it, and I'm glad I did!

Before the first session, I was nervous because I knew we would dig into memories that I might find painful and I can't be vulnerable with my friends, let alone a stranger. But despite my fears, the first session wasn't scary at all. We just talked, worked on a goal and I was given homework - that's where the real work began.

Since coaching, my life has changed in unexpected ways. I'm not suddenly the calm and patient parent I was craving to be and yet I'm so much more aware of my emotions - I can now bring myself back to the calm space I need in order to release my feelings.

By understanding exactly where these emotions come from, and which memories are specifically associated to certain behaviours, I have a lot more compassion for myself. I am able to act differently a lot more than I used to, and I can communicate with my husband when I'm feeling a certain way, which has been helpful because then he understands and can help if I'm overwhelmed.

My girls however, are only 4 and 6 years old, so I can't communicate my feelings in the same way with them, but what I do express helps them to understand that they are not responsible for my emotions, any more than a table is responsible for my feelings when I stub my toe! Repairing with them has therefore become more genuine (especially with my more emotional child who is a lot like me – I now find it easier to give her the compassion that I didn't get).

My biggest learning was to truly be able to accept my natural temperament – both sensitive and emotional. Before coaching, I wanted to be taught how to be calm, peaceful and unbothered, how to be a different person because I hated that part of me so much (there was so much shame around having strong emotions of any kind but especially around anger). Unknowingly, there was so much fear that I wasn't deserving of love if I was sensitive or emotional.

The memory work I did really helped me to see that part of me differently however – no longer as something that was bad, but as a part of who I am that doesn't need to be fixed. I realise now that it cannot be ‘fixed’ and that instead, I can find healthier ways to feel my emotions, such as letting them out in non-explosive ways (and when, from time to time, I am explosive, I'm working on forgiving myself). As a result, I'm now enjoying allowing myself to just be - it's like I can finally breathe…

I definitely think that the coaching series was good value - I needed one-to-one support and was lucky to be able to afford it. It is more expensive than therapy but in the long run, I found it more effective - I wasn't getting enough out of generic workshops and wanted someone to talk to me about my situation, and to guide me through my experiences. So that was worth it!

~ Annie Maldonado, videographer & mama, UK