My Baggage Was So Heavy I Couldn't See Myself

When we first connected, I was going through the grief of a miscarriage, I had just broken off a toxic relationship with my mom, and I was suffering from the internal struggle of wanting to be the best and most loving mom that I could be whilst not knowing if I was achieving that.

I also felt extremely triggered by anything from my past due to childhood events, and I wanted so desperately to finally address this big weight that I had been carrying around since my parent's divorce.

Lavinia’s Instagram posts felt as though they had been written by me. She was saying things that I had never been able to say out loud - or even think out loud - and something within me resonated deeply.

I realized how much I craved clearing out all of the toxic energy that was clearly seeping into my personal and family life and just knew that I was going to work with Lavinia even before the discovery call (which simply confirmed it).

I actually expected more of a ‘therapist-figure’ from these sessions, but I learned quickly that a coach was different: Lavinia held me accountable for my goals and the work I needed to put in to achieve them. This wasn't a "sit and vent" experience. It was: "how could I move forward every day toward my goals; what were my actions and what was my progress?”

This experience was more about what kind of effort I put in every day with the help of Lavinia. She supported me every step, but it was me that had to take steps. I wasn't given an easy-fix to make all the bad feelings go away. I had to think, journal and grieve, ask for things that I'd never asked for, step out of my comfort zone and learn things that I hadn't even known were possible.

Before our first session, I felt both nervous and excited - I had never willingly done this work or spoken about these topics with anyone other than my husband and was excited about who I was going to be on the other side.

By the end of the first session, I had created goals with Lavinia's help despite literally not knowing anything - nor even who I wanted to be or where I wanted to start. I came in with baggage, and it was so heavy I couldn't see myself from day-to-day. I just knew that I wanted a change.

Before working with Lavinia, I was just a mom to 2 wonderful kids and a wonderful husband. But there was this undercurrent of anxiety, self-doubt, and inability to be fully happy. I made excuses for terrible family dynamics, and always wondered if there could be another way.

After the deep inner child work, the biggest change without a doubt is the peace and presence I have in my life.

My baseline used to be one of misery - feeling guilty about my past, feeling emotional neglect from my mom, not knowing if I was capable of being a good mom myself - and now, I've experienced this relief: I can sit with my kids and be happy, I don't wonder about all this other stuff inside me, I'm just with them. And I'm starting to learn that I am not only allowed to feel that way. I'm supposed to feel that way. I am more than capable of feeling happiness.

Something else that surprised me was also the discovery of my inner child and how RELEVANT she was to my life as an adult. I needed to make space for that little person inside me. She has a voice, and if I am able to listen to that voice, I can be the best wife, mother, and woman in the present.

This was life-changing. The missing puzzle piece to my life was me. I am not broken.

Learning how to inner parent was huge. Also, learning that my little coping mechanisms (including negative little voices) were once used as a positive way to survive big and horrible things as a child. The things that I've always hated about myself were actually good.

Finally, the biggest learning came in the form of my two goals that were set at the beginning of the sessions. At the end, I realized that the first goal was actually in the voice of my inner child.

24/7 online access to Lavinia definitely lead to greater shifts and insights. It was a great way to push myself to be as involved as I could during this process - if Lavinia was truly my guiding voice throughout this journey, I wanted to tap into her insights as much as possible. It helped keep me on track when I doubted my progress or when I wanted to share different insights along the way.

The coaching series was 100% good value. For anyone doubting if they are the best mom, or wife, or woman they can be, why wouldn't you jump on the opportunity that in 3 months, you would be stronger, and more insightful, and more compassionate?

These last 3 months were truly a time of stripping away a backlog of trauma, memories and triggers, and looking at myself for who I really was. I understand now that life cannot move forward, and I could never grow until I did this first.

Coaching was a gift to my kids and husband as much as it was a gift to myself.

Thank you, Lavinia, for being such a strong voice and presence during this 3-month journey. You never wavered, your support was constant, and you always said the things I didn't know I needed to hear. You have opened up my heart, and I had no idea how much I needed to love myself before I could love anyone else. If I could do sessions with you forever, I would!

This was never about "loving my kids harder" or just "loving my toxic family harder." This was always about loving myself the most, and everything, everything, made sense from that point. My inner child thanks you. You gave her space to have a voice and be seen. And she appreciates everything you did for Big Me.

~ Monica Yoshida, marketing copywriter & mother, USA