My Relationship Was Suffering

If I had to describe Lavinia’s coaching experience in 3 words they would be: The Way Forward.

Before embarking on a series, I was low in mood (possibly depressed) and was finding it really challenging to do anything for myself. I'd had a baby - my mind was blown by the seeming urgency of his demands - and I was coming into conflict with people around my parenting methods.

I knew I had been independent before (and was mourning that existence), yet felt that motherhood was a duty that didn't allow me my freedom any longer, so I was letting a sense of guilt deny me the right to anything I might have gone to before for strength and composure.

My relationship was also suffering and I felt very stuck - emotionally as well as fitness-wise. I had never done anything like this before apart from counselling, though it never really felt directly connected to anything that resonated with me so much, on all layers.

Before our first session, I was looking forward to being taken in, though also a little apprehensive about what I might let out. But by the end, I knew that this was personal; it wasn't a cliché, nor vague, and I knew Lavinia wasn’t going to abandon me. I felt very well held and supported.

During the series itself, I feel as if we went to a dark place together - a place that's been there for as long as I can remember (where I've usually had some awful reaction) - only on this occasion, I went with a torch and a firm friend who told me not to turn back, nor to panic, nor to let the torch extinguish.

My biggest learnings were that I don't need to people please (and that my need to do so goes back to a very vulnerable six year old girl), that I have a right to focus on my husband and baby (not to serve others first), and that I can say no with love and not worry about it.

I also realised that I had stopped being creative because I'd been trained to think that expressing our emotions is bad.

The 24/7 online access to Lavinia in between sessions was wonderful. She salvaged not one but two vacations!

If we’d only had the face-to-face sessions I may have skipped over what I felt were incidental moments at the time (which I communicated via text) and not identified later that they were actually very significant. Lavinia made me realise that each moment and each exchange, has massive value and potential.

Since the series, I feel that a huge amount of anxiety and pain have been expressed and released - I was really taken aback by all the inner life from the past that was waiting to be lived and released - and I no longer feel the burden of them.

I now watch for the triggers, for the inner voices, I listen to them and accept them - I am aware of my vulnerabilities. I am finally FEELING things - without needing to justify or excuse this or get ashamed about having emotions.

I have begun to facilitate yoga sessions again (without the previous burdens and need for approval) and I am getting a wonderful response from the participants!

My self-esteem is higher, I can receive and offer praise, I'm no longer seeking as much external approval and I am being more genuine because I am aware of the depth of my feelings, and how important it is to honour them, rather than push them aside with an act.

I dearly hope that elements of her process will filter down to people through the generations - if only we knew all this from the start!

However, as she always used to say “we're only ready when we're ready” so THANK YOU for being there, when it was time.

~ E.L, yoga facilitator, fashion assistant & mother, UK