The Fear Of Joining In

Have you ever caught yourself staring wistfully out of the window as your children play outside - perhaps with your partner - whilst you remain firmly inside?

Part of you wishing that you could just open that door and jump straight in - joining them in their fun - whilst another part of you feels cemented to the floor, terrified and sad at the same time?

Me too.

It took me a long time to work out what exactly was behind my fear of joining in.

But I know now. As I watch and learn from my children.

And it was my inner child feeling too scared to relax enough to be able to play.

Because the part of us that is able to play is our inner child - that’s what children do! And it should be the only thing that they do.

But if you were a ‘parentified’ child who felt unconsciously responsible for your parents’ emotions and, as a result, overburdened and overwhelmed by that task (how could you not?), then it makes sense that this part of you finds it very difficult to play.

Because relaxation, play, spontaneity and freedom don’t go hand-in-hand with overwhelm or responsibility.

They are opposites.

And so in order to learn how to create the safety my inner child needed in order to be herself, I had to heal the root cause of why she felt she had to be a mini adult instead.

Which meant exploring and processing how wrong it was that my parents never stopped me from taking on this role.

And didn’t find other, more appropriate, forms of support that might have helped them to grow to be more emotionally mature, rather than relying on me to process their feelings for them.

This is the healing journey that we must undertake as parents if we no longer wish to pass on dysfunctional family patterns.

A journey of:

• providing your inner child with the support, love and attention that she needed but didn’t receive

• releasing old, stuck emotions that you are still carrying in your body because you were too young (or scared) to process at the time

• acknowledging the painful truth that, even though your parents may have tried their best, this ‘best’ simply wasn’t enough

I am still on this path.

And so my inner child doesn’t always find it easy to fully let go.

But I’m now better able to recognise when I actually really don’t want to play that particular game (why do dads always have to play in a way that involves wrestling or rolling around on the floor)?

And when it’s my inner child feeling fearful of ‘neglecting’ her (wrongly-assumed and totally inappropriate) responsibilities.

The event pictured above fell into the second category.

Which is why I ended up covered in multi-coloured paint powder despite the mountain of laundry it lead to!