I Felt Like A Massive Failure
Before coaching, I was struggling with everything and felt like a lost cause. I felt like my relationship with my grown-up daughter was broken, like I couldn’t cope with anything. I felt pathetic, as though everything I touched went wrong, and that I was just a massive failure. Everything felt hopeless. I was lost.
I had had counselling a few times before and whilst it had helped on some level, it never really felt like they ‘got it’. I didn’t blame them, I felt like no-one would ever really get it. It was all too complicated and I never really knew how to explain it. My head was like a jewellery box of knotted chains and it felt like no-one would ever be able to detangle them.
It got to the point where I hit rock bottom. I had some sort of breakdown I think and although I didn’t want to take my own life, I did wish there was some sort of switch where I could just not ‘be’ anymore. I felt like that would be better for everyone. Everything just felt too big.
Before our first session I was scared and sceptical. I was worried that it would be another experience where I felt like the person wouldn’t really get it and I would revert to my usual behaviour of pretending that they had helped me in order to please them.
I was also embarrassed that I was going to need to tell a complete stranger how awful I was.
But by the end of that session I was so relieved that someone finally understood me. That there was hope after all, and that there were reasons - valid reasons - why I feel and behave the way I do. For the first time in a long time I felt validated.
Since completing my series with Lavinia, my husband has said that I am a different person. Not even like the old me, but a better version of the old me!
Issues which used to cause enormous tidal waves of emotion for me and which would therefore become huge family dramas, just don’t anymore. I can deal with them like an adult - calmly and rationally - it’s been life-changing.
The biggest change in me is that I now feel like a grown-up and know that I am a good mum. Not perfect - because I now know that this doesn’t exist - but good, and my relationship with my daughter is evidence of that. We get on so much better now and we are enjoying a much more open, honest and loving relationship. I can see that previously it was my inner child who was trying to be the parent, and that was never going to be ok!
The way in which I’ve surprised myself the most is that I have learnt to love myself. At the start I thought it would be impossible for me to ever say this, but it’s true. As I got to know my inner child, I learnt what she needed in order to take a back seat and to let me be the adult. And I realised that I could do it!
Inner parenting has allowed me to see just how much of my life has been led by little Claire. All the times that I was ‘irrational’, ‘over dramatic’, or felt ‘hopeless’ was actually her feeling these things. (And no wonder, because she was a frightened traumatised child!) She needed reassurance and validation just as much as the adult me thought I did. And once I realised this, everything started to fall into place!
Being able to journal my feelings and share them with Lavinia 24/7 in between sessions was vital. And knowing that she was there at the end of an email or WhatsApp at any point when I was struggling, was invaluable. Lavinia was modelling what I needed to do for little Claire. I can never express how grateful I am nor how supported and cared for I felt.
Being able to share positives and insights when they happened, was great too. Lavinia was my biggest cheerleader throughout the whole process!
I literally couldn’t put a price on how the coaching series has changed my life. I am a million miles from where I was at the start and as my rather grumpy work colleague said to me afterwards, I have got my sparkle back and it shows!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! If anyone is thinking about giving this a go, don’t hesitate. It will genuinely change your life.
~ Claire Carter, primary school well-being manager & mother, UK