I Was Feeling Tied Down And Unsatisfied
Before I started coaching with Lavinia, on the surface everything looked rosy. But underneath was resentment towards my husband and children, and resentment towards my home.
I was feeling tied down and unsatisfied, which would manifest in outbursts of anger and shouting (generally over something small and unrelated). I wasn't able to achieve or even think about goals for myself or my future, because I was stuck in the day-to-day and never making plans or thinking ahead unless this involved socialising or getting out of the house.
I would go out to escape the fact that I couldn't face getting on with day-to-day jobs or actually making progress with anything. I was a massive procrastinator. I also didn't know how to ask for help, so frustration would build up and then explode, which just caused bad feeling and didn't get me anywhere other than feeling horrible.
I thought that I was alone and would have to continue dealing with this all by myself: floundering, unable to make myself or anyone else around me truly happy. But I knew that I couldn't keep doing this to my husband or to my kids - I wanted to be better for them - and I needed change.
I was nervous before our first session. I didn’t feel like I would have the time to dedicate to myself and my work with Lavinia during lockdown and homeschooling nor the privacy that I would have liked. I was also worried about what we would uncover and whether delving into my past would make things worse and make me more upset than I already was.
However, by the end of that session I realized that I was indeed worth investing in and that making time for myself would be what would enable me to be there for everyone else. I saw that I had lost my identity – the things that had made me fun and be able to join in in the moment - and I wanted that back.
Since completing my coaching series, I feel more able to communicate in a straightforward way and to ask for what I need. My husband and I now make plans together on how to complete something or get something done, rather than me feeling like the weight and burden is always on my shoulders (which used to create resentment). We are more of a team which feels great!
The biggest change I have witnessed in myself, is that I now feel like a grown up. I feel in control of situations that used to send me spiralling, and I am able to put boundaries into place that enable me to have time to think, process, make decisions and do what I am comfortable with.
It really is truly amazing and has taken so much unnecessary pressure away, which means I am able to remain calm and feel in control - which is all I ever wanted!
I have now become proactive - I can get things done and make things happen! This is something I have battled with my whole life and to be able to do this fills me with pride and a sense of achievement that I have never really experienced outside my working life.
My biggest learning however was that my family and myself are my priority. There will always be external pressures on us but I now have the tools to make sure that these do not unnecessarily impact on our day-to-day life. I also now see that you can't control everything, that priorities change moment to moment and that's ok too. Sometimes just getting through the day and everyone being ok is enough.
24/7 online access to Lavinia between sessions was invaluable. The things I shared were often some of my biggest insights which I hadn't even realised until Lavinia pointed this out and helped me delve further into them.
The coaching series was 100% good value given what I got out of it. I didn't think I could afford it and I had never spent so much on myself other than for a holiday or a piece of furniture but I very quickly realised that unlike these (which would still leave me feeling the same pressures, stresses and unhappiness) my coaching has changed my life and how I feel. That is permanent and will always be with me - I cannot put a price on it.
~ Kate Clarke, at-home student & mother, UK