I Felt Trapped In A Cycle Of Frustration And Resentment

When we first connected, I was trying to shift a general ‘discontentment’! I felt lost, lonely, stuck and trapped in a cycle of frustration and resentment about so many things.

My relationship with my husband and my kids was failing and I didn't like myself very much.

I had tried various therapies and counsellors, self-help books etc, but I had lost any faith that anything would work - I felt like I'd been going around in circles with anxiety, depression and general low self-esteem ever since I was a teenager, and had started to think that it was just the way I was, and there was no way out of it.

But I didn't want my sons to inherit my depressing view on life - I wanted to find a way to be a better mum to them, and hoped I could learn to treasure this next phase of my life rather than enduring it.I realised that I had been blaming my husband/our relationship/motherhood for a lot, but I also knew that I actually needed to put the effort into learning how to accept myself/be myself before I could do anything else.

The 'light switch moment' that made me say YES to coaching was feeling like Lavinia 'got' me straight away and the buzz that I felt after our first call - I felt excited about the possibilities ahead for the first time in forever.

Before our first session, I felt cynical and cautious. I must have been hopeful too but I don't think I dared to believe that things could be any different.

But by the end of that first session, I felt like I had had a glimpse of the possibility of life being something different: the idea of me setting any sort of goals (which meant me knowing what I wanted and what to aim for) was completely foreign - so the idea of coming up with 2 goals felt incredibly ambitious, and was really tough - but refreshing.

Just the act of spending that time focusing on what my wants and needs might be had felt so uncomfortable, and therefore underlined the need for me to spend more time getting to know myself.

Since finishing our 6-month series, my husband has said that I'm “a million miles” from where I was. He said he was proud of me - which I was able to wholeheartedly accept for the first time!

The biggest change I’ve witnessed in myself however, is that I’m more grounded, more present, more aware of my needs, and more likely to fill my space in the room.

I am kinder to myself, and I am learning to respect myself. I am learning to 'show up' more - in relationships and at work - which means making choices/decisions, giving my opinion, and putting myself forward for a role which I would previously have shied away from.

I still feel like I've got a lot more learning to do, a lot more 'growing into myself' to do, but I am respecting that, too.

The 24/7 online access to Lavinia in between sessions was invaluable. It definitely helped to keep the momentum going between sessions, and I'm sure it led to many more insights than the sessions alone would have done.

Even just the act of being able to send an email often led to a shift, but it was great to know that the support was there when I needed it - especially at the really low points.

I surprised myself the most during the series by my ability to nurture my inner child (after feeling like she was a burden for a long time) and to heal old wounds that I thought I had already 'dealt with' in past counselling sessions!

My biggest learning however was how many habits and beliefs I was/am still carrying from my parents/grandparents and how much these things have affected how I live my life - how much I was ashamed of my inner child/my background – and how good I've been at 'intellectualising' about my issues, rather than feeling them and healing them.

If I had to describe my coaching experience in 3 words, they would be: Labyrinthine! Challenging. Nourishing.

~ Leanne Thurston, financial controller & mother, UK