I Was Thinking That My Children Would Be Better Off Without Me

Before I connected with Lavinia, I was spiralling into bouts of debilitating anxiety and depression over my inability to manage my triggers brought on by my two young children.

I was parenting as a stay-at-home mom in a constant state of anger, overwhelm and irritation, and felt like an open wound that was constantly being broken open.

There was a lot of yelling, crying, mountains of guilt - thoughts that my children would be better off without me. I was a world away from the mom I had always dreamt of being.  

I didn't fully understand why I was in this place and I felt hopeless that there was no way out. That this was the mother my kids had to live with. That my children were going to end up just like me BECAUSE of me. I was in unbearable pain.  

First and foremost, I needed to feel loved despite my shortcomings. I needed to feel understood and accepted despite the unsightliness of my struggles. And I needed effective TOOLS to rely on in moments of being triggered. 

I had never worked with any sort of coach before Lavinia. I had done HOURS of talk therapy over the course of my adult life, but I always felt something was missing. It always felt useful initially and then would fizzle out, leaving me wishing for something more.  

Before our first session, I felt incredibly nervous and vulnerable, but also great relief and excitement. After our session, my relief and excitement only grew. I expected my experience with her to give me real tools that I could practice to alleviate my pain and triggers. I expected to be held accountable for doing the work to heal myself. 

Since coaching, my partner has said on multiple occasions that I'm not the same person I was: I'm much less defensive with him, I’m less fearful and paranoid of abandonment by him and I'm more empathetic. I now lead with logic rather than being charged by emotion during our conflicts, and this has created more space for deeper connection between the two of us.  

I still have plenty of not-so-great days with my children (parenting is F-ing HARD!), but I'm much more forgiving of myself now. I've let go of the idea that every moment with my children has to be perfect and without challenge. Instead, I view my "F ups" and struggles as teachable moments for my children - I'm not afraid to circle back and own my mistakes and apologize to them for shouting or choosing my comfort over their feelings.  

The paralyzing fear that I'm going to ruin my children is all but gone, because now I have the tools to manage my hard feelings (which I can also pass on to them). Without these challenging moments, there would be no way to teach them the powerful skill of managing their own emotions. Before I used to resist the hard moments, which caused me so much pain and suffering. Now, I can welcome them. 

I surprised myself the most during the series by realizing that I was what I've been searching for all this time. Not another self-help book, nor another therapist, nor a vice to fill the void, nor a partner or a parent to fix my issues.  

Previously, I had always looked outward to fulfill what I longed for - unconditional love, deep understanding, acceptance and validation, but Lavinia gave me the gift of myself.  

She taught me that everything I need in order to feel those things truly is within myself and available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The healing power, confidence and COMFORT that this has given me is, hands down, the greatest gift that anyone has ever given me. 

I now see everyone - my partner, parents, siblings, friends, even strangers - completely differently. And I know not only that behind "undesirable" behaviour is pain and suffering but also that everyone is at different stages in their growth.  

Viewing them with love and empathy (even when healthy boundaries are necessary) rather than focusing on how their behaviour negatively affects me, has been incredibly powerful.  

It's released the anger and pain within myself and has allowed me to feel at peace with peoples' shortcomings. I can now let THEM own their stuff and their choice either to do the work or not. I know that I don't have to carry it for them and that I can love them and let them exist in my space within boundaries that feel good for me.  

Lavinia’s compassion is limitless and the world would be a much better place if everyone could have that kind of compassion in their heart. She is the most loving being, radiating acceptance and empathy. She truly saved my life and I am forever indebted to her for that. Thank you from the bottom of my mending heart. 

My coaching series was invaluable - I wish that every woman on earth (mother or not) could experience this transformational healing. I'm still in awe of Lavinia’s talent, intelligence and effectiveness - she was BORN to do this!  

~ Kaitlen Hargrave, former biologist & mama, USA